the moment i put down the pen, God hit the replay button and i trembled. what have i done? i felt extremely eager to pick up that pen again, wondering if the right thing to do was to continue writing this chapter. i couldn't tell which one was the selfless thing to do; breaking both hearts or just one.
they said it's okay to feel sad after making the right decision, but what if i feel sad, disgusted and ashamed with full of hate on myself? i just want to let you know that i really tried. when i said that my feeling and romance has failed; i didn't mean that i don't love you, i know i haven't told you that in the longest time but i do. it's just, my heart couldn't be in it. i care about you a lot. i'm ashamed of all the time i caused you pain and i loathe myself for it. the last few months of us, i went to sleep every night regretting those daily torments i gave you and it's disgusting to have had realized myself that all my sorry(s) to you seemed meaningless. some days i progressed, but failed for the rest of year. the fact that i knew i was constantly hurting you drove me nuts and that was all i could think about. it really shut down the part of me that you very much deserve for your golden heart. if you think im getting out of this relationship feeling happy, you're wrong (sorry i still wanna be right at this moment..). you know i could never find someone that is more selfless, kind, loving, attentive and nicer than you – funny how i know this but still let us part. i never meant for things to end the way it did. when i sent you that text, im not sure if i was even thinking right but it was probably for the best. i broke down, turns out breaking your own heart is just as painful. a part of me was shamelessly hoping that you'd tell me that everything was gonna be alright. i wanted to run back to you but that'd be goddamn selfish of me and that validates why i'm toxic for you. i so feared that you would hate me which im sure you do now. not gonna lie, it got me going to work with puffy eyes when you slept on me just. like. that. but i think you did a great job. tho i still feel like we have unfinished business, we didn't even get to talk and i have questions but i dont wanna be that past girlfriend whos still crazy and bother you after deciding to leave so if u do read this, i hope you can really see how sorry i am. i never wanted for ty dolla to be right, i never planned it to be just my turn. while youre still reading this, thank you for everything you've done for me, accompanying me to my chiro appmt, to my work sites, fetch me, fetch Gummy, putting up with my 24/7 unstable hormones, taking tissues from the cashier for me and what not. i really appreciate you, i hope you'd find it in your heart to forgive me and that maybe we can be in each other's life again even as friends 💜
